funny how

Today in a cafe two small incidents seemed to me to illustrate the forms of self-involvement that are more common to women, and to men. A man walked in and ordered a coffee at the counter. He wanted a latte, he wanted it skinny. It was takeaway and he went over to a table in […]

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Yesterday I was at my friend’s place after a thunderstorm and she had a little curving highway of ants running up over her wall, so tiny they looked like caterpillar’s eyelashes, and I said look! at these teensy ants so busily there: my friend goes, ugh they are always in my kitchen and I can’t […]

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For weeks after the diagnosis I was still having episodes of shock as deep as flashbacks, every single day. Every day at some point I went into a dazzled fugue of confusion and horror, while the same words whirled around me like three birds. I have cancer. Then the welter. Cancer? What? What do you […]

Paying for my breakfast at the counter I noticed another customer, reading the paper intently, with his finger (forgive me) driven up his own nostril. It was gone to the first knuckle, earnestly swiveling. He drew it out and inspected it. Roll & flick. Turned a page slowly, thoughtfully, and stuck the same finger back […]

On the underground train above ground the whole carriage overheard two rather stoned young dudes speaking about Art, that is, themselves. As we unzipped the treetops people glanced at them, glanced away, smiled. One dude had a wry American accent and the upper hand. The other dude was Persian and explained at some length that […]

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A man saved my life today, deftly and in German. He sped past on his bicycle and veered in to make me stop. Excuse me, your brake cable is dangling and it’s gonna tangle in the spokes. I didn’t understand what he had said, my mind was on the sky and at first I just […]

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In the supermarket I queued for the African check out dude who’s always calm in the midst of all the Germanness. A blonde woman behind me set down, emphatically, a bagful of fresh pak choy and then behind it, all in a heap, several packets of cream-filled biscuits, a jar of chocolate pudding, some plump […]

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I went on a ten-day meditation retreat & on the last day, made an appointment to see the Teacher. The capital letter was visible in the way he held himself. “I need to leave.” He inclined his head from the dais. “No, you really need to stay.” “Thank you,” I said, “but I really need […]

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Yesterday when he asked I told a trans-identified friend over coffee, No: you’re not a woman. I told him how male-privileged he sounded, to me, when he dreamily explained playing around with his prescribed hormones so as to reconstruct the experience of a menstrual cycle. He felt the reason he wasn’t experiencing it for real […]

I went on a date with a guy who for nearly a month had been pestering me to meet. Then he literally did not let me finish a sentence. I pointed this out and he said, grandly, “That’s because I already know what you are going to say.” I explained to him how self-perpetuating this […]