HoL H20 equinox lamps
80

My dad trained me to be raped, by minor and persistent infringements which he would not withdraw or desist in, no matter how I protested. He taught me saying No had no importance. I had no sovereignty over my body. For he would still cup my butt in his hand, rove his eye over my […]

HoL H2O Paul Kelly's Buddha
2

I went to see Paul Kelly play Berlin. I was going with my girlfriend and the evening of, she rang to say: I don’t feel well. I feel so tired and I just need to stay at home and curl on my couch. Can you go on your own? I went. Since I left my […]

HoL H2O mühe
6

I just got a letter from my mother explaining she has been in hospital for five days with bronchial pneumonia. The sickest, ie closest to death, she’s ever been. She’s 78 years old and had a hip and a knee replaced this year, since my father’s death. People often die on the heels of their […]

H2O HoL apple heart theory
10

Och, my heart’s pounding! I just queued in the supermarket next to a man taller than me (rare) with whom I conceived one of those fleeting yet it stains your day – your weekend! – mutual desire curves founded in, apparently, mutual liking as well as pheromonal drift. Oh, I stood next to him and […]

HoL H2O swiss checks
2

After an exceptionally difficult night and a day of doing difficult work, I said: I need to go out. Let’s go someplace we can have a glass of red and a plate of food. I had in mind Italian but the restaurant was closed for some sawing and hammering, we ended up at a Swiss […]

hol-h2o-dad-visibly-humming
11

Alone in the house for the first time in days I feel a sadness descend and take me in its wings. I’m sad for Dad. It has come from pottering and tidying, I washed up a bowl and set it upside down on the board to drain, I folded a pair of his old pyjamas […]

h2o-hol-lebkuchen
12

Last year and the year before that and four years ago too we went down on the train to West Germany, to a tiny village lying under the skirts of the old woods. This is where my sweetheart was born. His father was born in the same house and to me the village, the house, […]

hol-h2o-i-am-a-jam-donut
2

The narrative of the powerful older woman in our society is a dangerous and poisoned one. She is the evil stepmother, the wicked witch. Past her breeding prime and she knows too much. So if she survives dunking and burning, this must be proof of her ‘pure evil.’ Meanwhile, the macho demagogues, some of whom […]

hol-h2o-lincoln-for-dad
19

My nephew and I had a conversation about death. He is seven. His teachers have said, apparently, he talks about Papa all the time. So I said, I was crying my eyes out today. Because I’m so sad about Papa. I know, he said. I can’t go to sleep because Papa comes to me in […]

img_5564
6

Made a little performance the other night at a beautiful cabaret improv evening hosted by the lovely Marlène Colle in seedy cab-savvy Berlin – I read something almost unbearably sad among the expressive dances and unrenovated bar sounds in a place where the two barkeeps were thanked by their name. The green room was German […]