i wish

1

In a cafe where I write, the staff are terrifically grumpy. One sometimes meets me with a finger propped under her chin, tipping her head: Is it almond milk? Soy? I say, It’s the honey that’s misleading you, by association, and she’ll say, mansplanatorily, “No, no… I don’t associate you with honey.” Today a large […]

55

When I got there the doctor said, “You know when we call you in at seven in the morning it’s not good.” She had called me in at 7.15am on Friday to give this news. I have cancer. She used words like ‘chemo’ and ‘metastasize’. She emphasised that these are words I may not need […]

I went to a Sunday afternoon gathering of people I didn’t know, who regularly host discussions of thoughtful topics. In a little while I was deep in conversation with two women, one of us Chinese, one of us Brazilian, and we were so relaxed and open together that our peels of laughter attracted a man […]

4

I am leaving Accra today. I said goodbye to Nii and Kadija and Mariama, the littlest neighbours, and gave away all my pot plants. Unless I can earn enough money to come back from time to time to make music, that is the end of Ghana for me. In five years it’s been so difficult […]

23

Have you noticed how racists feel the description of their racism is worse than the actual offence? Someone will say something that’s steeped in hatred and if we say, that’s racist, they bridle. “Are you calling me a racist?” To name the crime, it seems, hurts worse than the attack itself. It’s also true of […]

17

Eleven weeks ago today my husband walked out. I went to the park and when I came home, he was gone. When I closed the door behind me that morning there was no warning this would be our last night under the same roof, our last day as beloveds, the last time I would ever […]

6

Hey Europe! It’s like this. We stole the whole world from everyone. Retired behind desks to administer the plunder, lost our fitness. So we envy the godlike build of men who spent generations labouring enslaved. Fantasise about their sexual prowess/accuse them of rape. Racism is envy. Now we mistrust everyone because they ‘want what we […]

2

In the late afternoon I walked down to the square. I’ve been indoors now every day of eight weeks. People were sitting round the edge of the grass as though it were a swimming pool they were dangling their legs into. The trees overhead are finally thickening with green. A man who doesn’t have much […]

Well, this evening I’ve reached the end of my first month in quarantine, 28 days, 4 weeks. It seems peaceful. I love my house a lot more than I did, which was a lot. Happy to have the two of us here and not to be alone, though we are both introverts and have to […]

6

Today I would give anything to run outside into this suddenly warm sunshine. I woke to birdsong and discovered I had left my window open all night. This is the first night since October that’s even been possible. I don’t feel the icy breezes snaking round my feet in the chilly living room, I can’t […]