I wonder at the charmingly gap-toothed Engrish on the front of the chopsticks packet. Wonder hardens to wryness when I turn the packet over and see the flawless instructions on the back which show diners how they should use them. The front says, Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your nice Chinese food with chopsticks, the traditional and typical of Chinese glorious history. And culture. PRODUCT OF THE PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF CHINA.

But the back says, Tuck under thumb and hold firmly. Add second chopstick, hold it as you hold a pencil. Hold first chopstick in original position, move the second one up and down. Now you can pick up anything. This is the brand of (oh joy) disposable Stäbchen (“little staves”) that are most commonly given away with even eat-in meals in Asian restaurants in Berlin, they must consume thousands of trees per annum and presumably are also designed to entrance hundreds of thousands of infatuated, patronising Western cultural tourists. Because by making use of people’s urge to condescend and correct, you can pick up anything.