1. H2O HoL blurry fireworks NYE
    16 readers like

    January 1st

    I am woken by the sound of someone vomiting into the toilet. It's the first day of the year and I'm lying in the dark in the bowels of a hungover household. I hear people ...read more
  2. H2O HoL matthias flowers
    15 readers like

    why I blame myself for being raped (hint: not because it’s my fault)

    All my life I have been me. I didn't realise it at first. Presumably, as we say of infants, I was an extension of the everything, was my mother, I was the flitting shadows of ...read more
  3. H2O HoL shadowenburg
    13 readers like

    falling, and small, and very far away

    I had an email from my partner’s new lover. It was my fault, I wrote to her first. This exchange happened last Saturday night, about three or four hours after he first told me. I'm ...read more
  4. HoL H20 autumn flowers I gathered
    10 readers like


    I went to have my hearing tested. This became necessary because a man had walloped me across the face: a man I loved. Needless to say, no man has ever hit me before and I'm ...read more
  5. H2O HoL secret bar with secret bar cat
    10 readers like


    Oh, Germany. Sometimes I am just so grateful to you! I came three years ago, for a week, with a suitcase of summer clothes. Stayed on and stayed. Met a man. Made some friends. Found ...read more
  6. H2O HoL bridge ashtray
    8 readers like

    lost girl

    Last night a lost soul brushed past me on the street and I could feel the black, sucking wind. She was very beautiful, extremely young, just-enormous eyes. Bare feet and ankles swollen like stumps. Bruises. ...read more
  7. H2O HoL orange bin, bottles, bike
    8 readers like


    Over breakfast my partner announced he is falling in love with another woman. I said, "What?" The omelettes had turned out so well. It was a cool, greyish day. I had asked why he kept ...read more
  8. HoL H2O dad lake
    8 readers like

    to meet my father

    I'm going into the difficult embrace of family life to say goodbye to my father. Our family relationships have been fraught with miscommunications, outbreaks of insanity, and violence. Now it's all coming to an end ...read more
  9. HoL H20 equinox lamps
    7 readers like

    out of nowhere

    My dad trained me to be raped, by minor and persistent infringements which he would not withdraw or desist in, no matter how I protested. He taught me saying No had no importance. I had ...read more
  10. HoL H2O lemon flower tea
    7 readers like

    dead man sleepwalking

    In this house of illness and pain I get lonely. Everyone is in bed by eight o'clock and the long night stretches ahead. Tonight I can hear the rain plinking on the skylight which reminds ...read more
  11. H2O HoL fishstoffs i
    7 readers like

    that, and all the gods of grief

    For four weeks now, this terrible grief. It takes up residence in my throat, is heavy, slides into the sweet solar plexus where self-belief resides. Crushes back my breathing. Gives me the tired. It makes ...read more
  12. HoL H2O matador
    6 readers like

    Olé au lait

    When I travel I am never alone because always there is the companionship of my shyness. This sometimes feels like a long shadow I drag over things ('allo, scuse us, thank you, pardon me') and ...read more
  13. H2O HoL la fugitiva
    6 readers like

    a fortunate wander

    Today a very fortunate wander that took me into a place I adored: several places and all of them new. I couldn't handle the surly manner and derisory service, the lack of smiles from the ...read more
  14. HoL H2O puerto del sol
    6 readers like

    Spanish nights

    Oh, Spain! Is so filled with amazing events! Walking home just now I saw a man busking with his telescope. It was pointed up towards the moon, a peach lying in dark glossy syrup, and ...read more
  15. H2O HoL caution!
    6 readers like

    I’ve been beautiful since I was nine years old

    Being shoved up against the train windows by a much older man whose friends looked on and hooted. Waking up as the blankets were stripped off my upper bunk and the passport controller's flashlight swept ...read more
  16. HoL H2O tisch in the crook
    6 readers like

    possessive hand

    The little cat puts her hand possessively on my arm. After a moment's thought her other hand creeps up to join it and I remember the day I finally found her again, after she had ...read more
  17. H2O HoL berlin from ubahn
    6 readers like

    I’m in trains

    I came clattering down the stairs to find the train already humming, its destination sign was flashing which means departure imminent. I franked the ticket and ran. The train was right down the far end ...read more
  18. H2O HoL snake
    6 readers like

    where it hurts

    What a strange feeling to watch Mitch Winehouse, father of the Amy who died young, telling the camera after her death how he felt it was not his place to save her. You can't force ...read more
  19. H2O HoL nasturtiums
    6 readers like

    tell me in tongues

    Yesterday three of us went along to a workshop whose purpose is play. They say, there is no wrong way of doing this. If you run into someone whilst crossing the room, say "Thank you." ...read more
  20. HoL H2O wat pho courtyard
    6 readers like

    the family stones

    Caring for Dad is painful. I love him, naturally, and now he's very frail and unwell; so it's wrung from me like dark water out of soaked wood. But Dad tormented me with minor sexual ...read more