funny how
always the waitress
I saw a couple come into the cafe out of the sun, I have seen them before. One woman has a sour aspect and it is difficult to get her to return a smile. Her smile, when it comes, has a difficult, painful quality as though vouchsafing it hurts her in some way. The other is blonde, plump, pliant and yielding. When the dominant woman sits down, the other goes up immediately to order, turning back to ask or ascertain some aspect of the other’s wishes. “You are always the waitress in your relationship,” I thought, watching the woman pay, collect her change, and sit smilingly down. Her partner, who had already had the opportunity to become absorbed in the paper, and whose choice of cafe, I imagine, this might be, got up to go to the bathroom and it was fascinating to watch the blonder partner change. She lost her smile and drew out her phone and became absorbed in something of her own choice, seeming altogether a more serious person. This is her moment with her feet up once they’ve all been fed. We both heard the bathroom door click and she glanced up quickly, putting her phone guiltily away. As the dourer partner reappeared her beloved was waiting, alert, already producing her wallet and opening it, saying something I couldn’t catch, ready as ever to cater to this grumpy child she has settled for to satisfy her cravings for love for the rest of her life.
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You are so lovely, Cathoel, with your calm and kind observance, your care and your compassion.
well stated!♥ *this is becoming worse by the second!…in so many different scenarios. ..very disturbing! *peace&love!♥
Except she could be miserable and in pain with chronic illness, or have just lost a loved one and reached out to a friend. You can never judge a relationship from the outside.
I didn’t feel this was judgemental, myself. Just observational.
I didn’t mean it was judgemental, it’s a beautiful observation. I’m just thinking that the dominant, dour, grumpy child, may actually be something different. A lot of people with invisible illnesses get read that way when they’re depressed and in pain. You never know what’s going on inside a dynamic – as it’s often the opposite of what goes on in public.
Ah yes, indeed. Thank you for sharing this wise insight, Alex.
I remember friends judging another friend’s girlfriend for being grumpy about them being late. They positioned her as uptight, controlling, and of course, a ‘nag’. Her partner was chronically unreliable, far less than truthful, and in every way a scallywag. Pointing any of that out made no difference, because she was impinging on their fun too, by daring to be bothered.
*Late for a dinner elsewhere, with other people waiting.
Alex, my way of agreeing with you here is to say that au contraire, I find it’s all too easy to judge a relationship from the outside.
I lived in acute on chronic pain for a decade and a half, which as some people sadly will know means you have acute level pain but you have it all the time. What I learned, with intense, grinding difficulty, is that even if you’re lucky enough to have someone care for you, it doesn’t need to affect the respect with which you both treat each other. One doesn’t have to be seen as weaker because incapacitated. The other needn’t be seen as weaker because they are giving all the caring.
Thank you indeed, Jamila. I find you inexorably lovely, too. It’s invariabubble.
Cathoel, yes, absolutely. No need to see either as weaker or stronger. But oh how we judge ourselves for needing help. The myth of independence, and the fear that not being 100% independant means being totally dependant. Long live mutual interdependence, where both flourish and change.
I used to see an older, European couple walking in my park every evening. I made it my secret challenge to get her to acknowledge me when I nodded to her. She was always so sour looking, so pained. I thought, what bug is up your are? Then one day, the man was at the park, and not the woman. She never returned. He sits at the park and looks out, alone. I guess she was probably in a lot of pain, or maybe exhaustion. I guess we never know what bugs people have to actually bear …
Yes, it is impossible to know the truth of a relationship by casual, external observation. Smiling faces may mask the most austere circumstances, that the people wish to keep very private. In public. I try to present as a balanced, positive person, yet my life is almost unbearably lonely. I am sure I am not alone in this. One can see a couple and are struck by the thought “They look so much in love”, regardless of their age, and others seem to be expressing mutual indifference. One can never know the truth, without knowing the people. I heard an older woman say to another, over coffee, “Familiarity doesn’t breed contempt. It breeds farts.”