neither warmth nor depth

I woke up strapped to the bed by six different apparatus. The last thing I remember is the surgeon greeting me at the swing doors, ‘Welcome to Theatre,” and I said, “Oh! How gracious,’ then, “I’m scared.”

Of the leashes pegging me out like a goatskin my favourite is the pair of disco moon boots that wrap, white and puffy, loosely around my calves and plug in to a noisy apparatus to inflate and deflate, compressing the muscles as through walking. Getting out of bed is painful. I’ve several holes in my belly and one of them has a tube of blood coming out of it which is there to drain the wound.

The last time I ate was Wednesday, it’s now Sunday. However we discovered I can still vomit copiously. Had a visit from my mother who sat down beside the bed and said, “Well I’ve been having a very difficult week.” She wanted advice on something uncomfortable in her household arrangements and I gave it. The next day my whole family visited at once, as I thought it would be less stressful to get it over with in the one lump. Mum reached over to hug me and managed to gouge her elbow right into the principle wound on my belly, the first time anyone had touched it. It was so painful I actually screamed. I thought I would black out. When I opened my eyes I found my brother and her two sisters gathered round her patting and soothing, while she cried, because she felt so very terrible about hurting me. When I said, rather bitterly I suppose, ‘Oh, please. Focus on Carol!’ in a bravely wobbling martyred voice Mum said, ‘I’m alright! I’m ok. Focus on Cathoel.’ And my aunt came over on pretext of straightening a blanket to lean in and tell me in a stern undertone, ‘Stop it.’

I’m thinking of climbing out of bed (takes me a while) and going over to the whiteboard on my wall which has daily updated details for the nurses: I’m going to erase ‘liquid diet’ and put in its place ‘strawberries and champagne cocktails.’ I’m in bed 27, the age rock stars overdose, and I am alive and have survived. I’m on ward number 3D and indeed life is all technicolour this week and in three dimensions.